BY CHAUNIE BRUSIE for Bergen Review Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but there are many little things that could be causing people to perceive you as less attractive. Girl meets boy, boy meets boy, girl meets girl, soul meets soul—it’s that simple, right? Well, not exactly. Dozens of factors affect attraction, and while we’d love to believe that we choose our romantic partners discerningly, research shows that certain superficial factors play a much bigger role than others. If you’re finding yourself having trouble meeting people or you’re striking out over and over on your dates, you may be unintentionally sending out a vibe that’s actually making you appear less attractive. That’s the bad news; the good news is that by understanding how attraction works, you can improve your chances of impressing that special someone. Here are a few of the surprising things that make you less attractive to others, according to the experts. Remember, take this advice with a grain of salt—these statistics don’t apply to absolutely everyone (that’s why they’re, uh, statistics), but they’re still fascinating. 1. Bad Grammar Yup, that’s right. A bad grasp of the English language—or maybe whatever language you’re using to woo a potential mate—can be a turn-off to a romantic interest, especially if you’re active in the online dating arena. One study found that the majority of men and women admitted that they reject online suitors solely because of bad grammar and misspellings in their dating profiles. Seventy-five percent of a whopping 9,000 online daters polled in the study also said that they would most definitely reject a suitor who failed to pass a fifth-grade spelling bee. (For the record, my oldest is in fourth grade, and I’m willing to testify that some of those spelling words are harder than you would think…) So what exactly is it about bad grammar that turns people off? Apparently, aside from the fact that it shows a lack of education, bad grammar and things like lazy spelling and a lack of punctuation (yes, for real, periods are a big deal) signify a lack of interest. After all, if you’re not committed enough to close out the sentences in your dating profile or Tinder text with periods, are you really committed enough to have an adult relationship? You don’t have to write like Shakespeare, but if you’re trying to impress, brush up on basic grammar before you start swiping right. 2. Your Youthful Looks While you may think that appearing youthful is an advantage in the dating world, it turns out that isn’t always the case.One study found that when individuals are born to parents who are over the age of 30, they are less likely to be attracted to people with “young faces” and tend to be more attracted to potential partners whose faces show signs of aging. To put that another way, a distinguished look trumps youth (at least in this case). The preference for older faces may win out as the population becomes more saturated with people born to so-called older parents. For the first time ever, more women in their thirties are having babies than their 20-something counterparts are. You do the math. 3. The Shirt on Your Back That’s right, folks. If you’re a man looking to attract a woman, you may want to consider donning a red shirt. This study shows that women perceive men in red as more powerful and attractive, and those are two important characteristics when choosing a mate. This apparently only applies to heterosexual couples, but it seems effective across cultures. As the studies’ authors write, “people … link red to love and passion, and red often appears as a symbol of eros, lust, and fertility in ancient mythology, folklore, and ritual.”In the experiment, researchers showed participants a photo of a “moderately attractive man” (we’re guessing Vince Vaughn) for a period of five seconds. The color of the man’s shirt was digitally manipulated; some participants saw the man in a red shirt, while others saw a white or blue shirt. The red-shirted man consistently scored higher than his other-shirted counterpart—but his shirt color was the only thing that changed. Interestingly, the effect didn’t work when the genders were flipped; men slightly preferred the female models in white shirts over any of the other colors. 4. Cake-up It seems everyone wants a natural look, but is that backed up by any sort of science? The video below explains the findings of two studies regarding the makeup looks men find attractive. Spoiler alert: Less is more. 5. Your Appetite One study found that hungry men perceived women with higher body weights as being more attractive. Once those men had something to eat and no longer reported being hungry, they no longer reported finding those same women quite as attractive. I’m not sure what lesson to take away from this fact, however, as I’m a big advocate for 1) looking however you want to look and 2) not being hungry. But go ahead and book that dinner date—if you don’t feel a spark after you’ve cleaned your plate, maybe it’s this effect at work. 6. Your Table Manners Speaking of hunger, watch what you do when you’re scarfing down food in front of a potential romantic interest. Sujeiry Gonzalez, 39, founder of Love Sujeiry and on-air reVolver Podcasts host, recounts a story of being completely grossed out by the man she was on a date with. “I was instantly turned off by a man I briefly dated (and was secretly in love with) after a revealing lunch date,” she confesses. “And by revealing, I mean he exposed the food in his mouth. The man I thought was ‘the one’ chewed like a horse, mouth all open and teeth exposed. Eek!” And we really, really, really shouldn’t have to say this, but phone etiquette is an important component of modern table manners. If you’re out to eat with someone, go ahead and put your phone away; if you keep glancing at the screen and typing messages, you’re sending the clear signal that you don’t find your date interesting. It’s important to look up every once in a while. 7. A Smidge of Stubble Versus a Boast-Worthy Beard While both gay men and straight women prefer men whose faces appear more masculine, guys don’t have much control over whether they’re blessed with prominent brows and strong jawlines or not. What they do have control over: the type of facial hair they choose to sport. Studies have shown that heterosexual women prefer men with one very specific type of facial hair. Unfortunately, it’s not the mountain-man megabeard—and it’s not the clean-shaven look, either. One study of Australian women found that they all considered men with heavy stubble more attractive than men without facial hair or those with heavy facial hair. There’s a silver lining: If you’ve got a full beard, you’re more likely to be seen as more masculine and as a good parent. That’s not to say that you should rush to the bathroom and trim your powerful beard back to its patchy roots. The key, of course, is to maintain a nice, even amount of facial hair. If you prefer a full beard, go ahead and grow one; eventually, you’ll find someone who can appreciate the time and effort that goes into a truly massive beard. 8. Flashing a Smile (or Not) In what winds up being a rather confusing study, men rated smiling women as more attractive, while women rated smiling men as less attractive. Women reported finding men more attractive when they displayed signs of “pride,” like a slight smile and a raised fist, instead of flashing their pearly whites. Regardless of these findings, keeping your teeth bright and white is never a bad idea. 9. Your Attitude When it comes to dating, there is no such thing as “fake it ’til you make it,” says Gonzalez. “Whether you’re online dating or meet someone through a friend or at a bar, people can smell fakeness,” she explains. Studies have shown that heterosexual women prefer men with one very specific type of facial hair. Unfortunately, it’s not the mountain-man megabeard—and it’s not the clean-shaven look, either. One study of Australian women found that they all considered men with heavy stubblemore attractive than men without facial hair or those with heavy facial hair. There’s a silver lining: If you’ve got a full beard, you’re more likely to be seen as more masculine and as a good parent. Studies have shown that heterosexual women prefer men with one very specific type of facial hair. Unfortunately, it’s not the mountain-man megabeard—and it’s not the clean-shaven look, either. One study of Australian women found that they all considered men with heavy stubblemore attractive than men without facial hair or those with heavy facial hair. There’s a silver lining: If you’ve got a full beard, you’re more likely to be seen as more masculine and as a good parent. “The more you try, the more you’ll pretend to be someone you’re not and the more people will see right through your bluff. And, of course, when I advise others to be confident, I don’t mean to be arrogant and aloof. You must be open to finding love. You must be open to attracting a mate. Be confident in your skin and honest about who you are while smiling a dazzling smile and remaining positive and hopeful [about] the possibilities.” 10. Too Much Personality Although it may seem like dating means putting your best foot (or face?) forward and showing off your assets, don’t discount the importance of humility. “The most attractive thing to me is humility, so when a guy I went on a first date years ago bragged about his six-figure salary and BMW, I threw up a little in my mouth,” admits Gonzalez. Rachel Needle, a licensed psychologist at the Center for Marital and Sexual Health of South Florida, also believes in the power of humility. “Confidence is a trait that is often attractive [but] so is being humble,” she explains. “Appear confident but humble.” 11. Your Undiscovered Hobby While physical features and even things that we aren’t really aware of—like our bodies’ pheromones—have a direct impact on how attractive we are to people, true attraction to another human is much more complex than grooming habits or skeletal structure. In fact, one study found that the single most attractive trait about an individual is actually their creativity. Test subjects were more likely to rate people portrayed as having creative pursuits and passions as attractive. The study also showed that was more true for women seeking men, meaning women found men depicted as creative significantly more attractive, whereas men did not necessarily rate creative women as more attractive. Either way, creativity and a passion for something other than yourself—or even your mate—is definitely sexy. “Oftentimes people are more attracted to those who are passionate about something,” Needle explains. “When people are excited and passionate about their interests, it can be attractive.” Here’s what you need to know about yourself in order to share your true appeal with others. Fortunately, there are ways that you can make yourself more attractive—and in some instances, they have nothing to do with your appearance. According to Gonzalez, two non-physical traits that instantly make someone more attractive are also two of the most surprising: humor and grammar (which we already touched on). That’s right, the ability to make your partner laugh will go a long way when the good looks fade. However, even humor is very individualized. “Some studies have found that women are more attracted to those who make them laugh,” Needle says. “But remember that sense of humor is also based on an individual. So what one person finds funny, another may not.” And when those inevitable fights happen down the line, your partner may be angry with you, but he or she might still find you irresistible if you use your semicolons properly or crack a perfectly timed joke. It’s the little things that count in a relationship, right? Perhaps most importantly, you should put your best self forward and have confidence when seeking a partner or romantic match, no matter what the scientific studies may tell you. “Be confident, says Gonzalez. “Whatever your momma gave you, be proud of it and work on it. We can all get plastic surgery to have the ‘perfect’ face and body, but then we’d be clones and seek out what’s different. Just because a study discovered that a woman with long hair or a man with great abs is most attractive, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t someone who isn’t going to love your bob or dad bod.” “If you’re confident in who you are inside and out, and what you contribute to a relationship, plus know you’re worthy of all that is good and loving, suitors will flock to you like bees to honey.” By Maurie Backman for Bergen Review It's not the best situation to land in -- but it is fixable. There's a reason we're supposed to save independently for retirement: Most seniors need 70% to 80% of their previous income to live comfortably, and Social Security will only provide about half of that for average earners. Without savings, it's pretty tough to fill that gap. How much savings should you be aiming for? Retirement costs the average American $46,000 a year, but you might need more or less money depending on your expenses and the lifestyle you want to uphold. Social Security, meanwhile, only pays the average senior today about $17,500 a year, so if that's the sort of benefit you're looking at and you have no savings at present, you're facing quite the gap. Now if you're in your 20s, 30s, or even 40s, you have a decent window of time to start setting aside some cash for retirement. But if you're already in your 50s, that window is much narrower. Here's what to do if you're facing the latter scenario and want to salvage your golden years. 1. Don't panic I'm not going to lie -- being in your 50s with no money set aside for the future isn't a great spot to be in, but it's also not totally dire. So rather than panic or resign yourself to an impoverished retirement, make immediate changes that free up cash in your budget. You might downsize your living space, go from a two-car family to a single vehicle, or cut back on luxuries like restaurant meals and non-work clothing. If you're able to free up $500 a month over the next 15 years to save, and your investments generate an average annual 7% return, you'll accumulate about $150,000. Is that a huge amount of savings to enter retirement with? Honestly, no. But it's better than nothing, and it's a good starting point to aim for. 2. Get a side hustle You can only cut back on so many living expenses before making yourself miserable. You might make a few meaningful changes that free up several hundred dollars a month, but if you're in your 50s with no savings to show for, you'll need to do better than that. Enter the side hustle. The beauty of getting a second gig on top of your primary job is that the money you earn from it won't be earmarked for existing expenses, thereby giving you the option to save all of it. In fact, of the millions of Americans who have a side hustle, 14% do so for the express purpose of building retirement savings. Imagine you're able to bring home $500 a month on top of the $500 you free up by cutting expenses. If you save $1,000 a month for 15 years at an average annual 7% return, you'll have just over $300,000 for retirement. Suddenly, things are looking a lot more promising, aren't they? 3. Make plans to work a bit longer It's hard to push yourself to stay in the workforce when you've been banking on retiring at a certain age. But extending your career can work wonders for your retirement in several ways. First, if you're able to delay your Social Security benefits past your full retirement age (67 for anyone born in 1960 or later), you'll boost them by 8% a year up until age 70. And that's a good way to compensate for a low savings balance. Working longer will also afford you an added opportunity to contribute to your retirement plan. Let's imagine that you're saving $1,000 a month, only instead of doing so for 15 years, you do so for 20 years. Suddenly, you're looking at a nest egg of nearly $500,000, assuming the 7% return we've been looking at all along. Now that's a nice chunk of cash. Remember, Americans are living longer these days, with one in four 65-year-olds expected to live past 90. Extending your career, therefore, won't necessarily leave you without a retirement, but it will give you more money with which to enjoy your golden years once you kick them off. The last thing you want to do is retire short on cash and struggle as a senior. If you're in your 50s with no retirement savings, pledge to do better effective immediately. The longer you wait, the more you ultimately put your golden years at risk. This article was first published at the The Motley Fool. Disclosure policy. You’ve heard about plenty of privacy risks. Here’s what to do next.That little privacy people don’t give away, companies tend to take. Given this unfortunate reality, to get complete privacy you’d need to install a labyrinthine series of software tools that make the internet slow and unusable — think specialty Web browsers, encrypted email and chat; virtual private networks; and security-focused incognito operating systems. Or you’d need to stay off the internet altogether.But don’t lose hope. Although total privacy is all but unattainable, you can protect yourself in two ways: Lock down your devices and accounts so they don’t give away your data, and practice cautious behavior online. Getting started is easy. By making a few simple changes to your devices and accounts, you can maintain security against outside parties’ unwanted attempts to gain access to your data as well as protect your privacy from those you don’t consent to sharing your information with. You really can take back some control over who has access to your data. Here’s how, according to the experts at Wirecutter, a product recommendation site owned by The New York Times Company. Start with these tools, but keep in mind that behavior matters just as much. Password manager: LastPass or 1Password Browser extensions: uBlock Origin (Chrome, Firefox, Microsoft Edge, Safari), HTTPS Everywhere, Privacy Badger Antivirus: Windows Defender and Malwarebytes Premium 1. Secure your accounts Why: In the past decade, data breaches and password leaks have struck companies such as Equifax, Facebook, Home Depot, Marriott, Target, Yahoo and countless others. If you have online accounts, hackers are likely to have leaked data from at least one of them. Want to know which of your accounts have been compromised? Search for your email address on Have I Been Pwned? to cross-reference your email address with hundreds of data breaches. How: Everyone should use a password manager to generate and remember different, complex passwords for every account. This is the most important thing people can do to protect their privacy and security today. Wirecutter’s favorite password managers are LastPass and 1Password. Both can generate passwords, monitor accounts for security breaches, suggest changing weak passwords, and sync your passwords between your computer and phone. Password managers seem intimidating to set up, but once you’ve installed one you just need to browse the internet as usual. As you log in to accounts, the password manager saves your passwords and suggests changing weak or duplicate passwords. Over the course of a couple of weeks, you end up with new passwords for most of your accounts. Take this time to also change the default passwords for any devices in your house — if your home router, smart light bulbs or security cameras are still using “password” or “1234” as the password, change them. Everyone should also use two-step authentication whenever possible for their online accounts. Most banks and major social networks provide this option. As the name suggests, two-step authentication requires two steps: entering your password and entering a number only you have access to. For example, step one is logging in to Facebook with your user name and password. In step two, Facebook sends a temporary code to you in a text message or, even better, through an app like Google Authenticator, and you enter that code to log in. [Technology has made our lives easier. But it also means that your data is no longer your own. We’ll examine who is hoarding your information — and give you a guide for what you can do about it. Sign up for our limited-run newsletter.] 2. Update your software and devices Why: Phone and computer operating systems, Web browsers, popular apps and even smart-home devices receive frequent updates with new features and security improvements. These security updates are typically far better than antivirus software at thwarting hackers. How: All three major operating systems can update automatically, but you should take a moment to double-check that you have automatic updates enabled for your OS of choice: Windows, macOS, or Chrome OS. Although it’s frustrating to turn your computer on and have to wait out an update that might break the software you use, the security benefits are worth the trouble. These updates include new versions of Microsoft’s Edge browser and Apple’s Safari. Most third-party Web browsers, including Google Chrome and Mozilla Firefox, also update automatically. If you tend to leave your browser open all the time, remember to reboot it now and again to get those updates. Your phone also has automatic-update options. On Apple’s iPhone, enable automatic updates under Settings > General > Software Update. On Google’s Android operating system, security updates should happen automatically, but you can double-check by opening up Settings > System > Advanced > System Update. For third-party software and apps, you may need to find and enable a check for updates option in the software’s settings. Smart-home devices such as cameras, thermostats and light bulbs can receive updates to the app as well as to the hardware itself. Check the settings using the device’s app to make sure these updates happen automatically; if you don’t find an automatic-update option, you may have to manually reboot the device on occasion (a monthly calendar reminder might help). 3. Protect your web browsing Why: Companies and websites track everything you do online. Every ad, social network button and website collects information about your location, browsing habits and more. The data collected reveals more about you than you might expect. You might think yourself clever for never tweeting your medical problems or sharing all your religious beliefs on Facebook, for instance, but chances are good that the websites you visit regularly provide all the data advertisers need to pinpoint the type of person you are. This is part of how targeted ads remain one of the internet’s most unsettling innovations. How: A browser extension like uBlock Origin blocks ads and the data they collect. The uBlock Origin extension also prevents malware from running in your browser and gives you an easy way to turn the ad blocking off when you want to support sites you know are secure. Combine uBlock with Privacy Badger, which blocks trackers, and ads won’t follow you around as much. To slow down stalker ads even more, disable interest-based ads from Apple, Facebook, Google and Twitter. A lot of websites offer means to opt out of data collection, but you need to do so manually. Simple Opt Out has direct links to opt-out instructions for major sites like Netflix, Reddit and more. Doing this won’t eliminate the problem completely, but it will significantly cut down on the amount of data collected. You should also install the HTTPS Everywhere extension. HTTPS Everywhere automatically directs you to the secure version of a site when the site supports that, making it difficult for an attacker — especially if you’re on public Wi-Fi at a coffee shop, airport or hotel — to digitally eavesdrop on what you’re doing. Some people may want to use a virtual private network (VPN), but it’s not necessary for everyone. If you frequently connect to public Wi-Fi, a VPN is useful because it adds a layer of security to your browsing when HTTPS isn’t available. It can also provide some privacy from your internet service provider and help minimize tracking based on your IP address. But all your internet activity still flows through the VPN provider’s servers, so in using a VPN you’re choosing to trust that company over your ISP not to store or sell your data. Make sure you understand the pros and cons first, but if you want a VPN, Wirecutter recommends IVPN. 4. Don’t install sketchy software Why: Every weird app you install on your phone and every browser extension or piece of software you download from a sketchy website represents another potential privacy and security hole. Countless mobile apps track your location everywhere you goand harvest your data without asking consent, even in children’s apps. How: Stop downloading garbage software, and stick to downloading programs and browser extensions directly from their makers and from official app stores. You don’t need half the apps on your phone, and getting rid of what you don’t need can make your phone feel faster. Once you clear out the apps you don’t use, audit the privacy permissions of what’s left. If you have an iPhone, open Settings and tap the Privacy option. On Android, head to Settings > Apps, and then tap the gear icon and select App Permissions. Here, you can see which apps have access to your location, contacts, microphone, and other data. Disable permissions where they don’t make sense — for example, Google Maps needs your location to function, but your notes app doesn’t. In the future, think about app permissions as you install new software; if an app is free, it’s possibly collecting and selling your data. The same rules go for your computer. If you’re not sure what to delete from your Windows computer, Should I Remove It? can help you choose. (Yes, it’s more software, but you should delete it after you’re done using it.) Mac users don’t have an equivalent, but all software resides in the Applications folder, so it’s easy to sift through. If you find an app you don’t remember installing, search for it on Google, and then drag it to the trash to delete it if you don’t need it. 5. Use antivirus software on your computer Why: Viruses might not seem as common as they were a decade ago, but they still exist. Malicious software on your computer can wreak all kinds of havoc, from annoying pop-ups to covert bitcoin mining to scanning for personal information. If you’re at risk for clicking perilous links, or if you share a computer with multiple people in a household, it’s worthwhile to set up antivirus software, especially on Windows computers. How: If your computer runs Windows 10, you should use Microsoft’s built-in software, Windows Defender. Windows Defender offers plenty of security for most people, and it’s the main antivirus option that Wirecutter recommends; we reached that conclusion after speaking with several experts. If you run an older version of Windows (even though we recommend updating to Windows 10) or you use a shared computer, a second layer of protection might be necessary. For this purpose, Malwarebytes Premium is your best bet. Malwarebytes is nonintrusive, it works well with Windows Defender, and it doesn’t push out dozens of annoying notifications like most antivirus utilities tend to do. Mac users are typically O.K. with the protections included in macOS, especially if you download software only from Apple’s App Store and stick to well-known browser extensions. If you do want a second layer of security, Malwarebytes Premium is also available for Mac. You should avoid antivirus applications on your phone altogether and stick to downloading trusted apps from official stores. 6. Lock down your phone in case you lose it Why: You need to ensure that nobody can get into your phone if you lose it or someone steals it. Smartphones are encrypted by default, which is great, but you still need to take a few steps to ensure that your phone is properly locked down if it disappears. How: You have two main defenses here. The first is to use a strong passcode alongside your biometric (fingerprint or face) login. The second is to set up your phone’s remote-tracking feature. If you haven’t taken the first step, set up a PIN or pattern, and enable the biometric login on your phone. You can find these options on an iPhone under Settings > Face ID & Passcode or Touch ID & Passcode, and on an Android phone under Settings > Security and location. Next, set up your phone’s remote-tracking feature. If you lose your phone, you’ll be able to see where it is, and you can remotely delete everything on the phone if you can’t recover it. On an iPhone, head to Settings, tap your name, and then go to iCloud > Find My iPhone. On an Android phone, tap Settings > Security & location and enable Find My Device. 7. Enable encryption on your laptop (it’s easier than it sounds) Why: If you lose your laptop or someone steals it, the thief gets both a sweet new piece of hardware and access to your data. Even without your password, thieves can usually still copy files off the laptop if they know what they’re doing. If a stranger poked around your laptop, he might get a look at all your photos, say, or your tax returns, or maybe an unfinished bit of “Game of Thrones”fanfiction. How: When you encrypt the storage drive on your laptop, your password and a security key protect your data; without your password or the key, the data becomes nonsense. Although encryption might sound like something from a high-tech spy movie, it’s simple and free to enable with built-in software. Follow these directions on how to set up encryption on both Windows and Mac. Speaking of computer theft, if you store a lot of data on your computer, it’s worth the effort to back it up securely. For this purpose, Wirecutter likes the online backup service Backblaze, which encrypts all its data in a way that even the folks at Backblaze don’t have access to it. Ultimately, security and privacy are linked, so you need to get in the habit of protecting both. It might seem like a time-consuming, overwhelming headache, but once you follow these steps, all that’s left is to cultivate your judgment and establish good online behaviors. Be suspicious of links in emails and on social media. Make your accounts private, and don’t share anything you don’t want madepublic. Keep your main email address and phone number relatively private. Use a burner email account you don’t care about for shopping and other online activities; that way, if an account is hacked, it’s not linked to an important personal account, like that of your bank. Likewise, avoid using your real name and number when you have to sign up for a service you don’t care about, such as discount cards at a grocery store (your area code plus Jenny’s number — 867-5309 -- usually gets you whatever club-card discount a retailer offers). Don’t link together services, like Facebook and Spotify, or Twitter and Instagram, unless you gain a really useful feature by doing so. Don’t buy “internet of things” devices (like smart watches or speakers) unless you’re willing to give up a little privacy for whatever convenience they provide. Once you settle into a low-key, distrustful paranoia about new apps and services, you’ll be well on your way to avoiding many privacy-invading practices. A version of this article appears at Wirecutter.com. Mr. Klosowski is a staff writer at Wirecutter, a product recommendation site owned by The New York Times Company. Follow @privacyproject on Twitter and The New York Times Opinion Section on Facebook and Instagram. |
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