 While you may be able to guess some common causes of breakups, there are things therapists want you to know about why these things can result in the end of a relationship.
It isn't always easy, after all, to have an outside perspective, notice these problems, and recognize the damage they can do. But by learning more about them, you and your partner may be better able to keep your connection strong. To start, it's important to know that "many relationship problems do have a root in poor communication," Dr. Carla Marie Manly, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert, tells Bustle. If you aren't listening to each other, or arguing in a healthy way, frustrations will build — and you may break up. Of course, there are also other factors, such as dishonesty, disrespect, and infidelity, that can obviously have a big impact, too, Manly says. If any of these things sound familiar, though, rest assured there are ways to turn your relationship around. Speaking with a couples therapist can be a big help, especially if you have ongoing issues that you haven't been able to resolve. Establishing boundaries, or relationship "rules," can be beneficial, too. But most of all, it can help to avoid making these mistakes whenever possible, since experts say can very easily result in a breakup. Read on for a few common mistakes, why they can take such a toll, and how you may be able to set them right. Not Spending Enough Time Together While you may want to spend all your time together in the early days of your relationship, it's important to keep that going as the years go on — and work on maintaining a sense of fun. Because if you fall into a rut, Manly says, you can lose interest in each other and drift apart. "Relationships thrive when couples spend time together that is connective in nature," she says. "This might include exercising, cooking, playing, or other activities that allow for emotional and physical connection." If you feel like you've lost your spark, you may want to schedule more time together, and make an effort to hang out. Manly says to turn off technology, put aside your work, and get rid of any outside distractions, and "use this time to connect and tune in to each other." Being Dishonest "Dishonesty is one of the prime killers of relationships," Manly says, which is why it's important to create the type of connection where it's OK to share what's on your mind, and tell the truth. A few white lies may sneak through, but that doesn't mean all is lost. "Depending on the type and level of dishonesty, healing may certainly be possible," she says. "In many cases, a relationship therapist can help get things back on track, but both partners must be committed to ongoing honesty for true and lasting healing." If you can't do this for each other, and set a few ground rules to keep dishonesty at bay, a breakup may not be far away. Communicating In A Toxic Way "Healthy, positive communication is as essential to a healthy relationship as clean air is to our bodies," Manly says. Without it, it's nearly impossible to keep a relationship alive. You may feel frustrated, and not know how to meet each other's needs. And before you know it, you're breaking up. "In cases where toxic communication has made things go awry, couples can work on healthy communication skills through couples therapy [...] and then make a daily practice of using the positive skills learned," Manly says. You may also want to practice listening skills, and truly hearing what the other has to say. Many arguments and toxic convos stem from not listening, so this can be a great place to start, and it may even help get your relationship back on track. Arguing About Money It may not come as a surprise that disagreements about money can drive a couple apart. In fact, it just so happens to be one of the top causes of divorce. But here's why. "Couples often have different views about how money should be managed and if money is tight, the stress can be overwhelming causing couples to lash out at each other," Dr. Jeff Nalin, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist and founder and chief clinical officer of Paradigm Malibu Treatment Center, tells Bustle. In other words, it isn't so much about not having money, but how you deal with it as a couple. "Communication is one major key to a successful relationship," Nalin says. "To turn things around, couples need to work on their communication where money is concerned. Examining the finances together, budgeting, and setting long-term goals can help couples to work together in a healthier way." This will lessen your chances of having toxic arguments, which will keep you from resenting each other, which will hopefully prevent all this money talk from breaking you up. Not Prioritizing Each Other "One interesting commonality across most relationship killers is this: one or both partners do not make a healthy relationship a top priority," Manly says. "And, when the relationship is not a top priority, the ongoing learning and growing required for a healthy relationship simply [won't] happen." Of course, that doesn't mean you can't also focus on work, friends, goals, and hobbies outside of your relationship. But that putting those things first, 100 percent of the time, can cause you to lose that all-important connection. Cheating According to Nalin, infidelity is another common cause of breakups. It can take the form of an emotional affair, micro-cheating, and physical affairs, all of which can be painful in their own way. Due to the breach of trust, it can be tough for a couple to move past an affair, and find their footing again. But making a concerted effort to patch it all up can save your relationship, if you choose to do so. You may want to go to couples therapy, Nalin says, and figure out how to work through it. It may also serve as a good moment to learn more about your relationship, and what you can do to prevent a similar problem from happening in the future. Not Respecting Each Other "Respect is one of the highest core values of relationships," Celine Sauvet, a certified dating and relationship coach, tells Bustle. And without it, it makes sense why a relationship might crumble. "When a partner does not show respect (yelling at the partner, calling [them] names, make [them] feeling bad, etc.) this becomes a toxic relationship," she says. "To avoid that, ensure [you] have healthy boundaries." In some situations, it may be necessary to leave, and that's OK. But you can work to build up trust and respect in your relationship, in many situations, by sticking to those aforementioned rules. These issues may be the most common causes of breakups, but they don't have to happen to you and your partner, if you know how to avoid them
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 Sara Angle for Bergen Review Media If you’ve ever had any kind of relationship with someone who frequently needed validation, had trouble establishing trust, or felt distant (and who hasn’t?!)..You’re already familiar with some hallmark signs of adult attachment styles—whether or not you’re aware of it. The relationship-personality test de rigueur, the 5 Love Languages (you can take the quiz here to learn yours!), can help you understand the ways in which you and your S.O. experience love. But adult attachment theory outlines certain styles—secure, anxious, fearful avoidant, and dismissive avoidant—that provide a framework for understanding how you relate to others and your ability to establish intimacy, says licensed clinical psychologist Dina Wirick, PhD, who has done research on attachment style. “Your attachment style develops in infancy through your bond with your primary caregiver,” says Dr. Wirick. “This forms the way we see ourselves, others, and the world. It becomes part of who we are and is part of our personality.” “[Attachment style] forms the way we see ourselves, others, and the world. It becomes part of who we are and is part of our personality.” —clinical psychologist Dina Wirick, PhD Basically, your attachment style is part of your subconscious, but pretty important to your everyday life—kind of like a GPS for navigating interpersonal relationships, says social worker Erica Cramer, LMSW. “It helps us determine which relationships we want to pursue and which ones we should avoid. When we reach a crossroads in a relationship, it enables us to decide which direction to turn and the best way to move forward,” she says.
So how can you figure out your attachment style? There are lots of online quizzes and questions you can ask yourself that can help you determine which attachment style best fits your personality, but Dr. Wirick warns that most lack scientific validity. “A psychologist who specializes in relationships or emotion-focused therapy is your best bet,” she says of getting a clear diagnostic. Understanding your attachment style 1. Secure A secure attachment is the healthiest style, in Dr. Wirick’s opinion. Someone with a secure attachment, she says, is more likely to trust their partner, be vulnerable, and not have a problem with intimacy. Overall, these people tend to feel confident in their relationships. “Chances are, they were raised by caregiver(s) who were supportive and responsive to their needs,” Cramer says. “They were mostly encouraged to venture out into the world, try new things, and were confident that their caregiver(s) would welcome them with open arms when they returned home.” 2. Anxious Anxious attachers seek reassurance and validation from their partner, often questioning whether their partner truly loves them and if their partner will leave them, says Dr. Wirick. While they want intimacy, they may have trouble with being vulnerable. Those with this attachment style are also likely to assume failed relationships are their own fault and overanalyze where they went wrong, Cramer says. “As a child, they most likely had caregiver(s) that did not make them feel secure and like the world was a safe place. They may have gotten mixed signals from the caregiver(s) and, as a result, are not sure how to interpret other people’s behavior,” says Cramer. 3. Avoidant “Someone with an avoidant attachment has trouble trusting people and does not want intimacy,” says Dr. Wirick. This type of person has trouble opening up and letting people get to know them. They may even become more distant when a partner gets closer. Not all avoidant attachers are the same though—contemporary researchers have further identified fearful and dismissive styles underneath the avoidant umbrella, which are basically characterized by how much anxiety and avoidance an avoidant person exhibits. “Both types of avoidant styles look similar but are shaped by different early experiences,” she explains. 3a. Fearful-avoidant Those with a fearful-avoidant adult attachment style have high anxiety about abandonment in relationships, which manifest in common avoidant behaviors. These can take the shape of not returning texts, deflecting conversations about commitment, or not expressing emotions. “Experiencing abuse and trauma from a caregiver, which evokes fear in the child, is likely to lead to a fearful-avoidant style,” Dr. Wirick adds. 3b. Dismissive-avoidant If someone has a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, they exhibit general avoidant behaviors but lack anxiety about abandonment. This style is common in children whose caregiver was unaffectionate and unresponsive to their needs, Dr. Wirick specifies. How attachment styles may affect romantic compatibility Beyond helping to color how you relate to others, understanding attachment styles can help you in the romance department by being able to intuit how your partner relates to you and how compatible you are. “If you know what makes your partner tick, it will be easier for you to meet their needs and expectations of your relationship,” says Cramer. Dr. Wirick says secure attachers are usually able to establish a healthy relationship with anyone, though it can be difficult to establish a long-term relationship with someone who has an avoidant-attachment style because they have trouble committing and opening up, she adds. Cramer notes that anxious and avoidant people often date one another, but the relationship tends to end poorly, because the anxious person clings to the avoidant person, and the avoidant person runs away. Two avoidant people may also struggle in a partnership due to intimacy fears and commitment issues. Two anxious people, though, are capable of a more seamlessly successful relationship so long as they’re able to help keep each other’s anxiety at a manageable level, she adds. Furthermore, attachment styles aren’t set in stone, and some people may not fall into one category neatly or exactly. Heck, someone’s style can even change over time, depending on life experiences in various relationships, according to research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Still, knowing your own and your partner’s current attachment styles can only help you communicate within the scope of your relationship. And if that isn’t one key hallmark of partnership success, really, what is?  Un-acknowledged, un-communicated expectations are often the primary cause of resentment and upset. To clear those up and enjoy healthy and connected relationships, we have to become masters at communication. Relationships—romantic or otherwise—are messy. Two people with different backgrounds, preferences, etc. will not always see eye-to-eye, making misunderstandings and disappointments inevitable. In today’s world, though, many people give up on relationships too quickly. The moment things get tricky, they bail. Or they simply resign themselves to living in an unhappy, conflict-laden life. The fact of the matter is this: any relationship can be improved if both parties are willing to work on their communication. Healthy communication requires facing difficult subjects, asking questions, explaining intentions and expectations, sharing feelings, and taking time. It requires vulnerability, empathy, validation, presence, and personal responsibility—all things I’ve written about before on this blog. And while it’s impossible to make you a master of communication in a short blog post, the following tips can help. Tips for Improving Communication in Relationships
1. Talk (or better yet—ask) This seems like a no-brainer, but if communication in your relationship is poor because you don’t want to talk with each other, you have to get the wheels turning again before the other tips here will work. If asking your friend or partner about their day feels mundane, ask their opinion on something you know they’re passionate about. Ask about something you know they’ve been wrestling with or working on. Ask more personal, thoughtful questions to get past the small talk and into a shared interest. 2. Seek First to Understand Remember that you never have the full story. Whether you’re in a heated argument or someone has simply asked for your advice, seek first to understand the situation before diving into accusations or solutions. Ask clarifying questions (“Are you upset because I didn’t call last night?”), check your assumptions (“I assumed you didn’t want to come—was I mistaken?”), and invite greater clarity (“Could you help me understand why you feel like I’m not listening?”). This is also a great time to remember the power of using “and” instead of “but,” and leading with “I” instead of “you.” 3. Be Clear (and Honest) How comfortable are you with stating your opinion? How honest are you when someone asks how you’re feeling? Do you ask for what you want, or do you hope people will figure it out? Healthy relationships depend on the ability of both parties to comfortably share their thoughts, feelings, preferences, etc. If you struggle with this, make a conscious effort to improve. Start with small steps. Find “safe areas” to practice in—relationships where you know the other person will be respectful—and gradually work up courage and confidence to speak your mind in any situation. Not only will this improve satisfaction in your life, it will make things easier for those you interact with as well. When they trust that you’ll speak up when you have an opinion or need something, they’ll feel less like they have to read your mind, walk on eggshells etc. Win/win. Got it? Try it. Make communication a priority today. Whether at work, at home, or out with friends, pick one or more of the above tips and see if you can enhance or simplify a conversation.  There is no age limit on dating or falling in love, and no matter how old you are, the desire to find that someone special still remains. The main thing is to stay hopeful, and to put yourself out there. Many people come to dating much later in life either because they have been divorced, bereaved, or because they spent more time curating a career and not romance. But people aged 50 and older often have a stronger likelihood of success than their younger counterparts for a number of reasons. You know what you want. Young people have lots of big plans and grand ideas, but it isn’t until later in life that we really work out what is important to us. Flashy clothes and status are only temporary and not essential for healthy, happy relationships. You realize that personal qualities such as generosity, respect, and kindness are actually the things that will last long after all the glitz and glamour have faded and ensure that the relationship will give a lifetime of happiness rather than a season of fun.  You know yourself.
Part of the reason that young people can find it difficult to settle in relationships is because they are still unsure of who they are, what their values are, or what they want to do with the time they have. We’re fortunate to have reached a stage of life when we’re more than comfortable in our own skin. You’re emotionally mature. Many people don’t mature emotionally at the same rate as they do physically. The ability to be objective, to see something from someone else’s point of view, to respond to facts rather than being overwhelmed by feelings, are all skills that improve with age. You value life. By the time we reach our 50s, most of us have lost someone close to us — parents, other relatives, and maybe even friends. The experience of loss often has a very grounding effect on our personalities, becoming less likely to take people and things for granted. This can make us more open minded that a relationship doesn’t have to be perfect in order for it to be happy and fulfilling. You’ll live longer. Not only are you never too old to date but dating can also help you reap the benefits of a long life. Studies have found that love helps to keep your heart healthy, your blood pressure down, and gives you more emotional resources to overcome challenges, because people who have someone special in their lives are often more motivated.  A dead easy, research-backed trick for gaining perspective and shutting down arguments. We've all been there. It starts with a forgotten chore or a snippy tone and then it escalates. Maybe you're stressed for other reasons. Maybe there are simmering resentments. Maybe it's the 67th time you've discussed the issue, but for whatever reason a tiny problem ends up flaming out of control and you find yourself in the middle of a heated argument with your significant other. Getting back to a healthier perspective is important. After all, science shows that happy relationships not only contribute hugely to career success, but are also the best predictor of life satisfaction and happiness. So how do you manage to tamp things down and see the conflict with cooler eyes again? Before you invest time and money in therapy, you might want to try out a simple trick recommended by a recent study first. The research revealed a straightforward question that can instantly derail most fights.
"How will I feel in one year about this current conflict? "We all know that when we get angry, minor problems suddenly seem hugely important. We also all know how hard it can be in the moment to rein in that emotion and be more rational. But according to research out of Yale and Canada's University of Waterloo, asking yourself this question can help: "How will I feel in one year about this current conflict?" When the researchers had people reflect on a recent fight in light of how they would feel about the argument a year in the future, they found participants both felt more positive about their relationships in general and expressed more reasonable and forgiving opinions about the conflict. "Our study demonstrates that adopting a future-oriented perspective in the context of a relationship conflict--reflecting on how one might feel a year from now--may be a valuable coping tool for one's psychological happiness and relationship well-being," commented study co-author Alex Huynh. Now all you have to do is muster the presence of mind to remember to ask yourself this question in the midst of a heated argument. Your future self is smarter than your current self. Doing so is probably worth it though, and not just because one study suggests it helps stop arguments with your partner from flaming out of control. A whole body of research shows that your imagined future self is generally a whole lot wiser than your biased, emotional current self. For example, one Wharton study asked study subjects to imagine themselves in 20 years and then write their current self a letter from that perspective. After reading these letters participants were far less likely to engage in ethically dicey behavior, such as buying a computer they knew might be stolen. "If you have important goals, habits, and ideals you want to live by, the science is in," noted one write-up of this research. "You can help yourself stick to them by writing yourself a letter. And, just like the research has shown, thinking about the distant future works better than thinking about the near term." So next time you feel yourself drifting away from your ideals or your vision for your best self in your relationship or in general, try to remember this trick and ask what future you would make of your current behavior. You'll likely see things in a new and more measured light. 
If you're looking for love in New Jersey, you're best off keeping in mind that old real estate adage -- location, location, location.Single folks tend to gather in certain areas of the state, according to 2014 Census data. The towns with the highest percentages of unmarried residents are mostly in cities or on the southern shore. Asbury Park in Monmouth County led the pack, with 78 percent of residents 15 or older listing their status as never married, divorced, separated or widowed. (The 2014 Census includes same-sex marriages, and long-term partners can list themselves as married if they choose.) Camden, Seaside Heights, Salem and New Brunswick were next on the list, followed by Maurice River in Cumberland County. East Orange, Newark, New Hanover and Penns Grove rounded out the top 10. Many of the top spots were urban areas. Fourteen of 15 New Jersey municipalities with the highest population density had single people form more than 50 percent of their population. It's not entirely unexpected, considering we have already written about the flow of young residents into cities and away from suburban sprawl. But the high rates of single-dom in southern New Jersey towns came as a bit of a surprise. The region has hot spots like Fairfield, Millville and Downe along the Delaware Bay. Of course, if you're looking to chase down a partner, the locals' gender split might be something to consider as well. Women out number men the most in Somerset County, whereas Sussex County has the highest percentage of men. In the era of Tinder and Skype, finding romance in remote locations has never been easier. But if online dating has got you down, you can play the New Jersey numbers game to find that perfect match.
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August 2024
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