 When emotional intelligence (EQ) first appeared to the masses, it served as the missing link in a peculiar finding: people with average IQs outperform those with the highest IQs 70% of the time. This anomaly threw a massive wrench into the broadly held assumption that IQ was the sole source of success. Decades of research now point to emotional intelligence as being the critical factor that sets star performers apart from the rest of the pack. The connection is so strong that 90% of top performers have high emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence can also be very useful when it comes to alleviating stress. In an article for The Harvard Business Review, Kandi Wiens, a Senior Fellow at the University of Pennsylvania Graduate School of Education in the PennCLO Executive Doctoral Program and Director of the Penn Master’s in Medical Education Program, wrote, “When we can’t focus at work because of distractions, it may lead us to feel stressed about not being productive, which then causes us to focus less, further feeding the cycle. Unfortunately, most of us don’t notice our focus declining until we become completely overwhelmed.” But by using emotional intelligence skills such as self-awareness, mindfulness, and shifting our focus to others we can break this cycle. “Instead, pay attention to the causes of your stress and inability to focus and then take actions that promote improvements in the specific brain functions that drive concentration and awareness.” It should also be noted that emotional intelligence accounts for 90% of career advancements, emotional intelligence is responsible for 58% of your job performance and people who have these types of skills make $29,000 more, on average than their non-emotionally intelligent colleagues. “No doubt emotional intelligence is more rare than book smarts, but my experience says it is actually more important in the making of a leader. You just can’t ignore it.” – Jack Welch Emotional intelligence is the “something” in each of us that is a bit intangible. It affects how we manage behavior, navigate social complexities, and make personal decisions to achieve positive results. Despite the significance of EQ, its intangible nature makes it very difficult to know how much you have and what you can do to improve if you’re lacking. You can always take a scientifically validated test, such as the one that comes with the Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book.
Unfortunately, quality (scientifically valid) EQ tests aren’t free. So, I’ve analyzed the data from the million-plus people Talent Smart has tested in order to identify the behaviors that are the hallmarks of a low EQ. These are the behaviors that you want to eliminate from your repertoire. You don’t get angry Emotional intelligence is not about being nice; it’s about managing your emotions to achieve the best possible outcomes. Sometimes this means showing people that you’re upset, sad, or frustrated. Constantly masking your emotions with happiness and positivity isn’t genuine or productive. Emotionally intelligent people employ negative and positive emotions intentionally in the appropriate situations. You get stressed easily When you stuff your feelings, they quickly build into the uncomfortable sensations of tension, stress, and anxiety. Unaddressed emotions strain the mind and body. Your emotional intelligence skills help make stress more manageable by enabling you to spot and tackle tough situations before things escalate. People who fail to use their emotional intelligence skills are more likely to turn to other, less effective means of managing their mood. They are twice as likely to experience anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and even thoughts of suicide. You have difficulty asserting yourself. People with high EQs balance good manners, empathy, and kindness with the ability to assert themselves and establish boundaries. This tactful combination is ideal for handling conflict. When most people are crossed, they default to passive or aggressive behavior. Emotionally intelligent people remain balanced and assertive by steering themselves away from unfiltered emotional reactions. This enables them to neutralize difficult and toxic people without creating enemies. You have a limited emotional vocabulary All people experience emotions, but it is a select few who can accurately identify them as they occur. Our research shows that only 36% of people can do this, which is problematic because unlabeled emotions often go misunderstood, which leads to irrational choices and counterproductive actions. People with high EQs master their emotions because they understand them, and they use an extensive vocabulary of feelings to do so. While many people might describe themselves as simply feeling “bad,” emotionally intelligent people can pinpoint whether they feel “irritable,” “frustrated,” “downtrodden,” or “anxious.” The more specific your word choice, the better insight you have into exactly how you are feeling, what caused it, and what you should do about it. You make assumptions quickly and defend them vehementlyPeople who lack EQ form an opinion quickly and then succumb to confirmation bias, meaning they gather evidence that supports their opinion and ignore any evidence to the contrary. More often than not, they argue, ad nauseam, to support it. This is especially dangerous for leaders, as their under-thought-out ideas become the entire team’s strategy. Emotionally intelligent people let their thoughts marinate because they know that initial reactions are driven by emotions. They give their thoughts time to develop and consider the possible consequences and counter-arguments. Then, they communicate their developed idea in the most effective way possible, taking into account the needs and opinions of their audience. You hold grudges The negative emotions that come with holding on to a grudge are actually a stress response. Just thinking about the event sends your body into fight-or-flight mode, a survival mechanism that forces you to stand up and fight or run for the hills when faced with a threat. When a threat is imminent, this reaction is essential to your survival, but when a threat is ancient history, holding on to that stress wreaks havoc on your body and can have devastating health consequences over time. In fact, researchers at Emory University have shown that holding on to stress contributes to high blood pressure and heart disease. Holding on to a grudge means you’re holding on to stress, and emotionally intelligent people know to avoid this at all costs. Letting go of a grudge not only makes you feel better now but can also improve your health. You don’t let go of mistakes. Emotionally intelligent people distance themselves from their mistakes, but they do so without forgetting them. By keeping their mistakes at a safe distance, yet still handy enough to refer to, they are able to adapt and adjust for future success. It takes refined self-awareness to walk this tightrope between dwelling and remembering. Dwelling too long on your mistakes makes you anxious and gun shy, while forgetting about them completely makes you bound to repeat them. The key to balance lies in your ability to transform failures into nuggets of improvement. This creates the tendency to get right back up every time you fall down. You often feel misunderstood. When you lack emotional intelligence, it’s hard to understand how you come across to others. You feel misunderstood because you don’t deliver your message in a way that people can understand. Even with practice, emotionally intelligent people know that they don’t communicate every idea perfectly. They catch on when people don’t understand what they are saying, adjust their approach, and re-communicate their idea in a way that can be understood You don’t know your triggers. Everyone has triggers — situations and people that push their buttons and cause them to act impulsively. Emotionally intelligent people study their triggers and use this knowledge to sidestep situations and people before they get the best of them. You blame other people for how they make you feel. Emotions come from within. It’s tempting to attribute how you feel to the actions of others, but you must take responsibility for your emotions. No one can make you feel anything that you don’t want to. Thinking otherwise only holds you back. You’re easily offended. If you have a firm grasp of who you are, it’s difficult for someone to say or do something that gets your goat. Emotionally intelligent people are self-confident and open-minded, which create a pretty thick skin. You may even poke fun at yourself or let other people make jokes about you because you are able to mentally draw the line between humor and degradation Bringing it all together Unlike your IQ, your EQ is highly malleable. As you train your brain by repeatedly practicing new emotionally intelligent behaviors, it builds the pathways needed to make them into habits. As your brain reinforces the use of these new behaviors, the connections supporting old, destructive behaviors die off. Before long, you begin responding to your surroundings with emotional intelligence without even having to think about it.
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 While you may be able to guess some common causes of breakups, there are things therapists want you to know about why these things can result in the end of a relationship.
It isn't always easy, after all, to have an outside perspective, notice these problems, and recognize the damage they can do. But by learning more about them, you and your partner may be better able to keep your connection strong. To start, it's important to know that "many relationship problems do have a root in poor communication," Dr. Carla Marie Manly, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert, tells Bustle. If you aren't listening to each other, or arguing in a healthy way, frustrations will build — and you may break up. Of course, there are also other factors, such as dishonesty, disrespect, and infidelity, that can obviously have a big impact, too, Manly says. If any of these things sound familiar, though, rest assured there are ways to turn your relationship around. Speaking with a couples therapist can be a big help, especially if you have ongoing issues that you haven't been able to resolve. Establishing boundaries, or relationship "rules," can be beneficial, too. But most of all, it can help to avoid making these mistakes whenever possible, since experts say can very easily result in a breakup. Read on for a few common mistakes, why they can take such a toll, and how you may be able to set them right. Not Spending Enough Time Together While you may want to spend all your time together in the early days of your relationship, it's important to keep that going as the years go on — and work on maintaining a sense of fun. Because if you fall into a rut, Manly says, you can lose interest in each other and drift apart. "Relationships thrive when couples spend time together that is connective in nature," she says. "This might include exercising, cooking, playing, or other activities that allow for emotional and physical connection." If you feel like you've lost your spark, you may want to schedule more time together, and make an effort to hang out. Manly says to turn off technology, put aside your work, and get rid of any outside distractions, and "use this time to connect and tune in to each other." Being Dishonest "Dishonesty is one of the prime killers of relationships," Manly says, which is why it's important to create the type of connection where it's OK to share what's on your mind, and tell the truth. A few white lies may sneak through, but that doesn't mean all is lost. "Depending on the type and level of dishonesty, healing may certainly be possible," she says. "In many cases, a relationship therapist can help get things back on track, but both partners must be committed to ongoing honesty for true and lasting healing." If you can't do this for each other, and set a few ground rules to keep dishonesty at bay, a breakup may not be far away. Communicating In A Toxic Way "Healthy, positive communication is as essential to a healthy relationship as clean air is to our bodies," Manly says. Without it, it's nearly impossible to keep a relationship alive. You may feel frustrated, and not know how to meet each other's needs. And before you know it, you're breaking up. "In cases where toxic communication has made things go awry, couples can work on healthy communication skills through couples therapy [...] and then make a daily practice of using the positive skills learned," Manly says. You may also want to practice listening skills, and truly hearing what the other has to say. Many arguments and toxic convos stem from not listening, so this can be a great place to start, and it may even help get your relationship back on track. Arguing About Money It may not come as a surprise that disagreements about money can drive a couple apart. In fact, it just so happens to be one of the top causes of divorce. But here's why. "Couples often have different views about how money should be managed and if money is tight, the stress can be overwhelming causing couples to lash out at each other," Dr. Jeff Nalin, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist and founder and chief clinical officer of Paradigm Malibu Treatment Center, tells Bustle. In other words, it isn't so much about not having money, but how you deal with it as a couple. "Communication is one major key to a successful relationship," Nalin says. "To turn things around, couples need to work on their communication where money is concerned. Examining the finances together, budgeting, and setting long-term goals can help couples to work together in a healthier way." This will lessen your chances of having toxic arguments, which will keep you from resenting each other, which will hopefully prevent all this money talk from breaking you up. Not Prioritizing Each Other "One interesting commonality across most relationship killers is this: one or both partners do not make a healthy relationship a top priority," Manly says. "And, when the relationship is not a top priority, the ongoing learning and growing required for a healthy relationship simply [won't] happen." Of course, that doesn't mean you can't also focus on work, friends, goals, and hobbies outside of your relationship. But that putting those things first, 100 percent of the time, can cause you to lose that all-important connection. Cheating According to Nalin, infidelity is another common cause of breakups. It can take the form of an emotional affair, micro-cheating, and physical affairs, all of which can be painful in their own way. Due to the breach of trust, it can be tough for a couple to move past an affair, and find their footing again. But making a concerted effort to patch it all up can save your relationship, if you choose to do so. You may want to go to couples therapy, Nalin says, and figure out how to work through it. It may also serve as a good moment to learn more about your relationship, and what you can do to prevent a similar problem from happening in the future. Not Respecting Each Other "Respect is one of the highest core values of relationships," Celine Sauvet, a certified dating and relationship coach, tells Bustle. And without it, it makes sense why a relationship might crumble. "When a partner does not show respect (yelling at the partner, calling [them] names, make [them] feeling bad, etc.) this becomes a toxic relationship," she says. "To avoid that, ensure [you] have healthy boundaries." In some situations, it may be necessary to leave, and that's OK. But you can work to build up trust and respect in your relationship, in many situations, by sticking to those aforementioned rules. These issues may be the most common causes of breakups, but they don't have to happen to you and your partner, if you know how to avoid them  Un-acknowledged, un-communicated expectations are often the primary cause of resentment and upset. To clear those up and enjoy healthy and connected relationships, we have to become masters at communication. Relationships—romantic or otherwise—are messy. Two people with different backgrounds, preferences, etc. will not always see eye-to-eye, making misunderstandings and disappointments inevitable. In today’s world, though, many people give up on relationships too quickly. The moment things get tricky, they bail. Or they simply resign themselves to living in an unhappy, conflict-laden life. The fact of the matter is this: any relationship can be improved if both parties are willing to work on their communication. Healthy communication requires facing difficult subjects, asking questions, explaining intentions and expectations, sharing feelings, and taking time. It requires vulnerability, empathy, validation, presence, and personal responsibility—all things I’ve written about before on this blog. And while it’s impossible to make you a master of communication in a short blog post, the following tips can help. Tips for Improving Communication in Relationships
1. Talk (or better yet—ask) This seems like a no-brainer, but if communication in your relationship is poor because you don’t want to talk with each other, you have to get the wheels turning again before the other tips here will work. If asking your friend or partner about their day feels mundane, ask their opinion on something you know they’re passionate about. Ask about something you know they’ve been wrestling with or working on. Ask more personal, thoughtful questions to get past the small talk and into a shared interest. 2. Seek First to Understand Remember that you never have the full story. Whether you’re in a heated argument or someone has simply asked for your advice, seek first to understand the situation before diving into accusations or solutions. Ask clarifying questions (“Are you upset because I didn’t call last night?”), check your assumptions (“I assumed you didn’t want to come—was I mistaken?”), and invite greater clarity (“Could you help me understand why you feel like I’m not listening?”). This is also a great time to remember the power of using “and” instead of “but,” and leading with “I” instead of “you.” 3. Be Clear (and Honest) How comfortable are you with stating your opinion? How honest are you when someone asks how you’re feeling? Do you ask for what you want, or do you hope people will figure it out? Healthy relationships depend on the ability of both parties to comfortably share their thoughts, feelings, preferences, etc. If you struggle with this, make a conscious effort to improve. Start with small steps. Find “safe areas” to practice in—relationships where you know the other person will be respectful—and gradually work up courage and confidence to speak your mind in any situation. Not only will this improve satisfaction in your life, it will make things easier for those you interact with as well. When they trust that you’ll speak up when you have an opinion or need something, they’ll feel less like they have to read your mind, walk on eggshells etc. Win/win. Got it? Try it. Make communication a priority today. Whether at work, at home, or out with friends, pick one or more of the above tips and see if you can enhance or simplify a conversation.  There is no age limit on dating or falling in love, and no matter how old you are, the desire to find that someone special still remains. The main thing is to stay hopeful, and to put yourself out there. Many people come to dating much later in life either because they have been divorced, bereaved, or because they spent more time curating a career and not romance. But people aged 50 and older often have a stronger likelihood of success than their younger counterparts for a number of reasons. You know what you want. Young people have lots of big plans and grand ideas, but it isn’t until later in life that we really work out what is important to us. Flashy clothes and status are only temporary and not essential for healthy, happy relationships. You realize that personal qualities such as generosity, respect, and kindness are actually the things that will last long after all the glitz and glamour have faded and ensure that the relationship will give a lifetime of happiness rather than a season of fun.  You know yourself.
Part of the reason that young people can find it difficult to settle in relationships is because they are still unsure of who they are, what their values are, or what they want to do with the time they have. We’re fortunate to have reached a stage of life when we’re more than comfortable in our own skin. You’re emotionally mature. Many people don’t mature emotionally at the same rate as they do physically. The ability to be objective, to see something from someone else’s point of view, to respond to facts rather than being overwhelmed by feelings, are all skills that improve with age. You value life. By the time we reach our 50s, most of us have lost someone close to us — parents, other relatives, and maybe even friends. The experience of loss often has a very grounding effect on our personalities, becoming less likely to take people and things for granted. This can make us more open minded that a relationship doesn’t have to be perfect in order for it to be happy and fulfilling. You’ll live longer. Not only are you never too old to date but dating can also help you reap the benefits of a long life. Studies have found that love helps to keep your heart healthy, your blood pressure down, and gives you more emotional resources to overcome challenges, because people who have someone special in their lives are often more motivated.  A dead easy, research-backed trick for gaining perspective and shutting down arguments. We've all been there. It starts with a forgotten chore or a snippy tone and then it escalates. Maybe you're stressed for other reasons. Maybe there are simmering resentments. Maybe it's the 67th time you've discussed the issue, but for whatever reason a tiny problem ends up flaming out of control and you find yourself in the middle of a heated argument with your significant other. Getting back to a healthier perspective is important. After all, science shows that happy relationships not only contribute hugely to career success, but are also the best predictor of life satisfaction and happiness. So how do you manage to tamp things down and see the conflict with cooler eyes again? Before you invest time and money in therapy, you might want to try out a simple trick recommended by a recent study first. The research revealed a straightforward question that can instantly derail most fights.
"How will I feel in one year about this current conflict? "We all know that when we get angry, minor problems suddenly seem hugely important. We also all know how hard it can be in the moment to rein in that emotion and be more rational. But according to research out of Yale and Canada's University of Waterloo, asking yourself this question can help: "How will I feel in one year about this current conflict?" When the researchers had people reflect on a recent fight in light of how they would feel about the argument a year in the future, they found participants both felt more positive about their relationships in general and expressed more reasonable and forgiving opinions about the conflict. "Our study demonstrates that adopting a future-oriented perspective in the context of a relationship conflict--reflecting on how one might feel a year from now--may be a valuable coping tool for one's psychological happiness and relationship well-being," commented study co-author Alex Huynh. Now all you have to do is muster the presence of mind to remember to ask yourself this question in the midst of a heated argument. Your future self is smarter than your current self. Doing so is probably worth it though, and not just because one study suggests it helps stop arguments with your partner from flaming out of control. A whole body of research shows that your imagined future self is generally a whole lot wiser than your biased, emotional current self. For example, one Wharton study asked study subjects to imagine themselves in 20 years and then write their current self a letter from that perspective. After reading these letters participants were far less likely to engage in ethically dicey behavior, such as buying a computer they knew might be stolen. "If you have important goals, habits, and ideals you want to live by, the science is in," noted one write-up of this research. "You can help yourself stick to them by writing yourself a letter. And, just like the research has shown, thinking about the distant future works better than thinking about the near term." So next time you feel yourself drifting away from your ideals or your vision for your best self in your relationship or in general, try to remember this trick and ask what future you would make of your current behavior. You'll likely see things in a new and more measured light. |
Written, Compiled & Edited byThe Bergen Review Media Team Archives
October 2024
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