 Dr Nikki Goldstein says “subwaying” is on the rise. But what the heck is it? When Tinder bae goes from noisily displacing your linen to quietly ignoring your calls it can be, to put it mildly, frustrating AF. Such is casual sex. However, while this behavior would have been condemned in a previous era, thanks to “subwaying” – the most annoying new trend to enter our dating-cabulary – people are now re-conceptualizing what’s rude and what isn’t. So, what exactly is “subwaying”? Essentially, “subwaying” is shutting down communication with someone you’ve been casually seeing, with no explanation.  While this used to be a dating sin, as New York artist Samantha Rothenberg recently illustrated, the revolving-door nature of modern love has reached such a speed that it’s now weirder if you do offer an explanation for moving on than if you don’t.  How did we get here? The obvious answer is technology: while people have always wanted to outsource the swinging of the (metaphorical) relationship axe, in the past this was seen as cowardly.
Now, not only is there a new conception of “polite”, but our silicon sidekicks have reduced our “friends with benefits” relationships to the point where they are essentially just meme-sharing agreements that are weirder to explicitly end than slowly forget about. Or so the “subwayers” would have you believe. But, as the comments on the above Instagram posts reveal, not everyone is convinced, and questions like, “When is it necessary to give a fling an epitaph?” as well as, “What makes a let-down text an ego-move?”, and, “Can you really get mad at someone for poorly navigating an issue you are confused about too?” remain unanswered. To that end, we hit up Dr Nikki Goldstein, a sexologist, relationship expert and host of the podcast Sex & Life, for some exclusive insights. Here’s what she had to say. Is “subwaying” on the rise? Yes: because we are dating at a faster pace. We have more choices and options and with that abundance of choices, we tend to quickly jump to the next thing if what we have isn’t 100% right. I’m not suggesting that’s a great idea, but many people are looking for perfection and feel they can find that if they keep moving on when things are not ideal. Why do people “subway” rather than communicate? One person might see it as a casual hook up or just catching up for drinks. The other person might think it’s an official date possibly leading somewhere. I think this is what actually leads some people to subway and ghost because they feel awkward ending something that might not have been there in the first place. We have also lost the art of working at things, exploring connections and working through our own issues that are brought up when dating [so] if it doesn’t feel right straight away, people are quick to move on. And with dwindling communication skills due to an increase in technology, we are often [loathe] to properly end a situation. Is a “let down” text an ego move?I don’t think so. I think this is what people are fearful of. [But] because so many of these dating scenarios don’t have labels and can’t be defined, it becomes complicated to tell someone you don’t think there is a future. At what point is it rude to disappear without a trace? Always: whether it’s one day or a few hook ups. Why? I think it doesn’t matter whether you have done it [subwayed] yourself in the past or whether someone is going through [some] stuff. It’s still annoying. We just might rationalize it and accept it more which makes it harder in a way. “It’s nearly like accepting being treated badly because it happens so often.” That still doesn’t make the action right. It’s like with ghosting. We have heard it spoken about so many times, it’s nearly normalized. Where we used to call someone rude, disrespectful (or some other words I probably shouldn’t write) we now have words that nearly make these acts seem normal. “It’s the downside to giving everything a trendy label.” And with that, we are off to bleach our keyboards, never to type the word “subwaying” ever again. By James Booth from Dmarge
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I Stopped Saying This Two-Word Phrase at Work Because It Annoyed My Boss—and You Should Too8/31/2021  There’s a (seemingly) harmless expression that, as it turns out, causes some people’s hair to stand on end, especially in the workplace. The offender: “No problem.”
I say it, you say it, we pretty much all say it—often on a daily basis and typically in place of now-synonymous responses like, “of course” when asked to do something, or “you’re welcome” when hit with a “thank-you.” No harm meant, right? Apparently it’s more complicated than that. My first time hearing about this blacklisted phrase came from my first boss at my first job. She mentioned in passing that getting “no problem” or "no worries" in reply to any request irked her to no end. Completely taken aback, I panicked—immediately. I'd never heard of this before, and I didn’t think there was a number high enough to count how many times I used “no problem” a day. I thought I was being pleasant, professional, and obliging! Now I worried I’d been rubbing important people the wrong way through various modes of communication—without even knowing it. Being an eager-to-please young professional, I listened to my manager like she was teaching me how to breathe. (I may have even written “stop saying ‘no problem’” in my notebook.) But while I tried to burn it into my brain, I still didn’t really get it. What’s so bad about saying “no problem” anyway? Her declaration seemed a little harsh, a little unforgiving—it’s just a colloquialism for “sure” or “you’re welcome.” Was her aversion to it a personal pet peeve, or was this a widely despised expression they didn’t teach me about at the college career center? I hated to think some well-meaning person was going around unwittingly disrespecting others by saying “no problem” instead of “you’re welcome.” (And I hated even more to think that person was me.) And then I started managing a direct report myself, and she hit me with a casual “no problem” on her first day. I wouldn’t exactly say I was annoyed, but something clicked, and my first boss’s firm stance on the matter started to make more sense. I couldn't quite put my finger on why, but there was something so casual in the way she said it that made me cock my head and wish she’d been a little less off-the-cuff with me on her first day. Was I actually incensed by her answer? Of course not, and she meant nothing by it. But I did finally come to understand the implications of this two-word phrase after being on the receiving end. Maybe it’s a generational thing, or perhaps it’s simply contextual, but tons of people (not just my boss!) can’t stand to hear “no problem” because they associate it with its literal meaning—and the implication that there is, was, or would actually be a problem. It makes perfect sense then for someone’s professional superior (or even a customer talking to customer service) to bristle at “no problem,” which might put them on the defensive, thinking: “I know it’s no problem. I’m not asking you for a favor, it is your pleasure and job to do this.” You’re self-conscious about using “no problem” now, aren’t you? If you think you’ve overused—or misused—this potentially offensive expression, swap it out for any number of easy, friendly responses (a few favorites: “you’re welcome,” “my pleasure,” “any time,” “absolutely,” “yes”—you get the idea). As a matter of habit, I now avoid saying it like the plague, just in case. But, for the record, I couldn’t care less when people say or write it to me. Seriously, it’s no problem. Article By Maggie Seaver  You don’t need to adopt dozens of new, difficult behaviors of “successful people” — you just need a few. And if you make just a few key behavioral changes, you’ll build momentum and confidence that you can reinvest in yourself to master new and better behaviors. Success doesn’t happen all at once — it’s a slow, gradual process that rewards those who can consistently follow the path.
You also don’t need a lot of time to develop these initial world-class behaviors, either. A couple of weeks will do. We’re not trying to transform your entire life overnight, we’re getting you to identify and adopt just a few key behaviors that will create the momentum you can use to continue the process. Because there’s no end to success, no limit or cap — you can go as high as you want. But it starts with developing a few world-class behaviors. Focus on Learning and Creating, Not Entertainment and Distraction There’s a lot you’ll need to learn on this journey you’re on. When I was a no-name blogger with dreams of being a big-time writer, I foolishly thought all I needed to master was “writing.” Now that I am a successful writer, I’m amazed at how many new skills I’ve needed to learn, like website design, email marketing, webinars, sales pitches, public speaking, relationship building, online course creation, scheduling software, and countless more. That’s why your first world-class behavior to master is to simply focus on learning and creating, not entertainment or distraction. You can learn a lot very quickly if you choose. If you play guitar 3 times a week, you might take a year or two to get pretty good. But play guitar 3 times a day, and you could become very skilled in a matter of weeks. You can only find these shortcuts by intense learning and creating, making mistakes, building your abilities as well as your confidence. But as long as you continue to focus on entertainment and distraction, you’ll always be stuck in first gear, unable to start gaining enormous momentum to break through mental barriers that you might’ve been carrying around for years. It’s difficult to remove yourself entirely from these distractions. Major corporations have an entire department of professionals whose sole job is to make you pay attention to their products. With the enormous influence of technology, social media, smartphones, and advertisements, it can feel a bit like living in a casino, where every little detail is designed to keep you focused on spending your money. It’s on you to say no to these distractions. The most effective response I’ve ever found to the endless tempting distractions is simply to imagine what my life will be like when I finally complete this journey — traveling the world, making more money than ever before, 100% in charge of my time and attention. That sounds much more appealing than watching another silly video online when I should be working. Ask Yourself Direct Questions That Force You To Gain Enormous Clarity One of the most common responses I get from my readers about all this is: I don’t know where to start! Getting clarity on your most important goals isn’t easy. You might be afraid you’ll choose the wrong thing, and become paralyzed by analysis. Maybe you’ve never known what you want to do, and have been stumbling into whatever job, relationship, or situation seemed the most convenient at the time. You need to ask yourself some direct, blunt questions about your life. I read a terrific article by Zak Slayback about gaining enormous clarity on these important things that I bookmarked and go back to sometimes. It’s a 20-minute writing exercise you can do today that will provide crystal-clear clarity on your most important goals. Here are the questions: Here are the questions: 1. I feel most unhappy when I… 2. I dread … 3. I am good at but do not particularly enjoy… 4. I cannot imagine doing … every day for the rest of my life. 5. I don’t understand why anybody would… 6. … does not appeal to me. Here are some of my answers that might help you with yours: 1. I feel most unhappy when I…
You actually don’t get to choose whether you need to sacrifice or not — you do. We all must sacrifice something. But you do get to choose what to sacrifice. This choice will affect the rest of your life. There was this funny-because-it’s-true joke in college that went like this: “Sleep, good grades, friends: you only get 2.” You had to sacrifice something. Everyone must sacrifice something. Make sure what you sacrifice isn’t costing you dearly. Sadly, most people are sacrificing the wrong thing — their potential, their relationships, their well-being, even their future. Instead of letting go of negative, toxic relationships, people cling to them. Instead of striving nobly to achieve an extraordinary career, people settle for their comfortable, mediocre jobs. You must sacrifice something — make sure you choose wisely. Years ago, I was working in one of the worst jobs I’d ever had — telemarketing. My boss was near-comic-book-villain level bad. I saw countless coworkers fired for not hitting sales quotas. I wanted out. But I had been complaining for months about it, calling friends and family to vent my frustrations. I wasn’t doing much about it. Finally, I mentioned my poor, sad situation to a friend of a friend — someone who didn’t really know me, and had the ability to be extremely blunt with me. He didn’t hold back on his feedback. “Look — it’s time to stop complaining. You need to get a new job, now. Cancel social obligations, stay in on the weekends, wake up early, whatever. But find a new job.” It stunned me. At first, I was angry and defensive. How can he say that! He doesn’t know me! He doesn’t know how hard this has been for me! He was inviting me to sacrifice something I didn’t want to let go of. Eventually, I saw his wisdom. I was sacrificing my happiness and emotional well-being working there — why not sacrifice some weekends and casual social hangouts for something that could change my entire career? So that’s what I did. I chose to stop hanging out with friends (for a time) while I busted my ass finding a new job. Within a few focused months of networking and meeting more people in different departments, I was offered a job that was infinitely better than telemarketing! It was higher-paying, I got to travel, help people, and most importantly, no more telemarketing calls! You must sacrifice something — that’s not up for debate. But you do get to choose what you sacrifice. In Conclusion Small choices have big results. Once you start making the right small choices, you’ll start seeing the results you actually want, and not the opposite. It’s time for you to start acting like people living a world-class life — in charge of their time, money, relationships, and choices. It starts with your behaviors. Once you consistently start making world-class choices — something you can start today — you’ll start seeing these behaviors grow into lasting characteristics of your life. You’ll become a disciplined, consistent, focused positive person with power and ability. For many people, the hardest part is just starting. Most people don’t know where to focus their time and energy, so they continue wasting time when they should’ve started long ago. Since most people have been making many foolish and unwise small choices, they’re see big, negative results in their life. Choose to adopt some new, world-class behaviors in life. They don’t have to be enormous — just big enough to start creating some momentum. Use that momentum. Reinvest in your life. Sacrifice the right things so you can achieve the life you want. Ready to Level-Up? If you want to become extraordinary and become 10x more effective than you were before, check out my checklist. Click here to get the checklist now! This article originally appeared on Medium.  Getty images In the past, I've written that Steve Jobs used Zen mindfulness to train his brain, and that neuroscientists recently validated Jobs's theory about the business benefits of meditation. There was one thing, however, that Jobs didn't know, although he might have guessed it to be true. Meditation does more than just calm you down and make you a better manager. Meditation literally causes your brain to age backwards. Under normal circumstances, brains deteriorate as they age. According to Psychology Today: "Brain-scan technology reveals aging can cause the brain to shrink. Nerve tracts in the brain shrivel, making the cerebrospinal fluid cavities larger and even leaving gaping holes in the brain. Shriveling occurs in the neuron terminal branches that form the contact points among neurons. People may lose 40 percent or more of dopamine neurons causing Parkinson's disease." The deterioration of the brain has many symptoms. Reflexes become slower. Memory starts to fail. It becomes harder to learn new things. Thinking becomes brittle. Mental stamina declines.
These symptoms become measurable as early as age 45, at which point most people have already experienced a 3-4 percent decline in mental agility, and it's all downhill from there. By age 60, the changes are usually obvious; by age 70 they're often debilitating. Studies have shown that eating well, exercising, and learning new things can ameliorate these difficult symptoms. However, it appears that even when you manage your symptoms, your brain continues deteriorate. There is, however, apparently at least one way to not just stop the deterioration process but to put it in reverse. A study conducted at Massachusetts General Hospital and Harvard Medical School found that meditating for 30 minutes each day for eight weeks:
Meditation is so effective at repairing damage that it make your brain as much as 25 years younger than your chronological age, and in some cases potentially even younger than that. Since Steve Jobs was a regular meditator, when he died at 56 of pancreatic cancer, his brain would have been as healthy, active, and creative as when he was much younger. This shows in the quality of his work, which continued to be superlative right up to his untimely end.  Dr. Benjamin Hardy.  If you could only tie that special someone to a chair and force them to listen. Or make them read that one thing that would finally change their stubborn mind. They’d finally see the light but that’s never going to happen. And even if that whole “it’s illegal to kidnap and restrain people” part wasn’t an issue, truth is, it wouldn’t work. There are no guarantees when it comes to changing people’s minds. So what does work most often? Back in the 1970s, Portland State University psychology professor Dr. Frank Wesley, looked into why some US prisoners of war defected to North Korea during the Korean War. And it wasn’t because they were tortured. It was because they were shown kindness. From How to Have Impossible Conversations: His research showed that virtually all of the defectors came from a single US training camp. As part of their training, they had been taught that the North Koreans were cruel, heartless barbarians who despised the United States and single-mindedly sought its destruction. But when those POWs were shown kindness by their captors, their initial indoctrination unraveled. They became far more likely to defect than those POWs who either hadn’t been told anything about the North Koreans or had been given more neutral accounts of them. Unexpected kindness, not restraints, changed minds. But having a reasonable discussion these days seems impossible. The world is so increasingly polarized that “no furniture being broken” passes for a civil conversation. Everyone is so sure they’re right that they end up doing everything wrong. We need more discussions where no one is demonized, shamed and both sides are open to changing their mind. Not only is it more pleasant, but that harsh stuff doesn’t actually work. It just makes enemies more vicious. Yes, some topics will always be controversial and things won’t always go smoothly, but they don’t have to go badly. Now it would be great if someone had taken the time to pull all the insights from peer-reviewed research, professional negotiations, cult exiting and applied epistemology into one book… Oh wait, someone has. Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay have written an excellent book titled How to Have Impossible Conversations. It would definitely make my “Best of 2019” list, right behind David Epstein’s Range. Frankly, this book taught me a great deal about the errors I personally make while verbally beating the hell out of people kindly sharing information. It’s short but packed with useful information and fresh ideas. First we’re gonna quickly cover a lot of fundamentals so we can get to the cool new toys. This first section is gonna be a bit of lightning round. Some of it may sound obvious but if you neglect it, none of the subsequent ideas will work. Let’s get to it… Be A Partner, Not An Adversary Most of us go into a conversation with an unconscious “war metaphor” in our heads: someone wins and someone loses. Zero sum. But that rarely convinces anyone of anything. We need to shift our goal from winning to understanding. How does that lead to people changing their minds? To quickly summarize the grand strategy here: Be nice and respectful. Listen. Understand. Instill doubt. You need rapport. That’s just a fancy way of saying “be nice.” Be respectful. If you’re not nice, all the evidence in the world won’t help you. Find common ground. Don’t call the other person out except for the most extreme infractions. And always give people the opportunity to be wrong safely and with respect. Saying “I told you so” or shaming someone is a “take no prisoners” attitude. And what do people do when they think you “take no prisoners”? They don’t surrender – they fight to the death. You can’t control their behavior, only yours. Just because they behave badly doesn’t mean you doing the same will make this any better. Model the behavior you’d like to see in them. It’s often contagious — and even if it’s not, your behavior getting worse is certainly not going to help. Focus on listening. And make sure they know you’re listening. You can say a simple “I hear you” to acknowledge their words without necessarily agreeing with them. Make “How in the world could anyone believe that?” a question you ask yourself curiously, not a rhetorical question you ask yourself while shaking your head. And a big, big issue these days is intentions. Research shows you probably assume theirs are far worse than they really are. Exceedingly few people’s primary goal is hurting others. People may have bad evidence, poor reasoning or different (but still noble) values, but they’re rarely evil. You know what it feels like when someone assumes you’re a horrible person or incorrigibly stupid. You instantly dislike them and they have a zero-point-zero chance of changing your mind. Help others see your side and by the same token, do your best to see where they’re coming from. Remember: you could both be wrong. It’s okay to end a conversation. Things really go south when you forget this is an option. Don’t lose a friendship. And the single most effective way to have productive arguments on Twitter or Facebook is by not having arguments on Twitter or Facebook. Remember, changing positions on deeply held values can take time. It rarely happens with a sudden “Eureka!” moment. Even if you do everything right, most likely you’re not going to convince them… They’re going to slowly convince themselves. (To learn more about how you can lead a successful life, check out my bestselling book here.) Okay, our EpiPen infusion of the basics is complete. First steps, how do we send in the shock troops… Whoops. That’s a war metaphor. Bad. Okay, how do we send in the Wal-Mart greeters? 1) Use Rapoport’s Rules “You don’t get it.” The most common munition used early on in war metaphor conversations. How much better would your conversations go if you could take that issue off the table, all the while building rapport and showing the other side you’re intellectually honest and fair? So, early on, after they initially throw a bunch of their reasoning at you, don’t throw your position back at them. Instead, respond by following Rapoport’s Rules From How to Have Impossible Conversations: 1. Attempt to re-express your target’s position so clearly, vividly, and fairly that your target says, “Thanks, I wish I’d thought of putting it that way.” 2. List any points of agreement (especially if they are not matters of general or widespread agreement). 3. Mention anything you have learned from your target. 4. And only then are you permitted to say so much as a word of rebuttal or criticism. How much more positively would you respond if someone did that? In this era of hostile polarization I fear I would immediately and uncontrollably hug them. (To learn the two-word morning ritual that will make you happy all day, click here.) Ah, so now it must be time to do like this blog always does and hit them with unquestionable facts and data beyond reproach to show them the error of their ways! Ummmmmm, sadly, no… 2) Facts Are The Enemy People aren’t just going to hear your facts and suddenly have a “Road to Damascus” moment. Merely delivering info rarely changes minds. That’s for courtroom dramas. You don’t hear one statistic and suddenly flip sides and neither will they. In fact, quite the opposite: facts are like punches – they usually cause the other side to put their hands up and block whatever you send their way next. Again: you don’t convince people. People convince themselves. Studies done as far back as the 1940’s by Kurt Lewin showed that lectures about why people should change their behavior were effective a measly 3% of the time. But when people self-generated reasons for the same activity, behavior change occurred 37% of the time. People reject ideas they are given and act on ideas they feel they came up with themselves. Yes, longtime readers, this is very ironic coming from a blog that prides itself on presenting convincing facts and statistics. Hold on a sec, the tears are making it hard for me to see the screen… (To learn how to deal with passive-aggressive people, click here.) Don’t deliver facts. The more effective strategy is to instill doubt and let them convince themselves. But how do we start doing that? 3) Use The “Unread Library Effect” How does your phone work? Yeah, I know it has to do with computers and radio waves — but how do computers and radio waves work? Unless you have a degree in electrical engineering there’s only one honest, bedrock answer here: You don’t know. You don’t really know how the vast majority of stuff works. (Please explain “electricity” to me. The closest any of us can get is “the magic zappy stuff that makes things go.”) It’s like the knowledge we have is a bunch of borrowed books from a trustworthy library — books we never bothered to read. We’re all a lot more certain about most of what we know than we have any right to be. That means how we know what we know and why we believe what we believe are actually far more fragile than we think and instill far more doubt than debating the accuracy of the facts themselves. Leveraging the unread library effect means you encourage the other person to talk and by politely asking them questions, allow them to see their own ignorance. Instead of you battering them with facts, they lead themselves into doubt. Socrates would be proud. At the very least it often serves to moderate extreme beliefs because it’s humbling to realize you can’t really explain what your beliefs are based on. And it reduces hostility because you don’t have to throw those backfiring facts at them; you just ask sincere questions. From How to Have Impossible Conversations: Explicitly invite explanations, ask for specifics, follow up with pointed questions that revolve around soliciting how someone knows the details, and continue to openly admit your own ignorance. In many conversations, the more ignorance you admit, the more readily your partner in the conversation will step in with an explanation to help you understand. And the more they attempt to explain, the more likely they are to realize the limits of their own knowledge… this strategy not only helps moderate strong views, it models openness, willingness to admit ignorance, and readiness to revise beliefs. For example, partisans on both sides of the aisle support many government policies they barely understand. Has this policy actually been shown to work before? What are viable alternatives? How much would it cost? What are the potential downsides? How would it be rolled out? Most people go on instinct, not evidence, but this rarely stops them from being shrill and strident. (To learn the 4 harsh truths that will make you a better person, click here.) The unread library effect can help people moderate their views but in the current conversational war zone extreme statements are all too common. People take positions that are so far off the wall that it’s a herculean task to find any sort of common ground. And this turns things into an endless back and forth of “yes, it is” / “no, it isn’t.” How do you bring extreme positions down to earth? 4) Use Scales Use numerical scales to draw comparisons and bring people back to reality. THEM: “Our government is tyrannical!” YOU: “If Stalin’s Russia was a 9 out of 10 in governmental tyranny, where’s our country right now?” If the other person at least falls into the category of “borderline sane and may go on to live a semi-normal life” they will back off a bit and gain some perspective. This doesn’t mean they’re necessarily wrong — but you’re providing context that will better ground extreme beliefs. You can also leverage scales to learn their pre-existing doubts, which you can later add fuel to. YOU: “On a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being no confidence and 10 being absolute confidence, how confident are you that belief is true?” THEM: “I’m at an 8.” YOU: “Just out of curiosity, why didn’t you say 9?” Now they’ll start making a case against their own beliefs, a case that they find at least somewhat compelling. Smile. They’re handing you a treasure map. (To learn the 3 secrets neuroscience says will make you more emotionally intelligent, click here.) Okay, now we’re cooking. But what’s the single most powerful method for getting people to give the other side an honest and fair look? 5) Use Disconfirmation That means asking them a variation on: “Under what conditions could your belief be false?” Reasonable, intellectually honest people (all two of them left on this planet) will concede that they could be wrong and will respond with a solid hint as to what angle might convince them. Ask questions to clarify specific conditions under which they might reconsider their stance: “So if the results of that study you’re referencing couldn’t be replicated you’d be open to changing your mind?” But, of course, not everybody is going to play fair. They can reply, “Absolutely nothing would convince me I’m wrong!” But now they’re saying their position is Immutable Truth™, which, for the vast majority of issues, is like saying, “I hereby publicly admit to being an obsessed zealot.” So, to qualify for a Sanity Membership Card, many will respond with something, but something that is wildly implausible: “If you can bring PERSON A back from the dead to say he was wrong about B, then I’d stop believing. How about that?!” This is frustrating – but it’s also a tacit admission that they know the evidence doesn’t justify their beliefs. They’re basically admitting to being insincere. If you want to keep pursuing the point, you can address the issue of why the bar is so uniquely high for this topic and ask a question regarding a more reasonable challenge: “I’m having trouble understanding. Do you use that reasoning process for anything else, or just X? Why do you think your standard for disconfirmation for this is so much higher than for other things? I’m wondering why some simpler issue, like why after all this time a dead Bigfoot has never been found, isn’t good enough to cast some doubt on your belief in Sasquatch?” (To learn more about how to make friends as an adult, click here.) If you’ve done a good job with rapport, the above methods will get you pretty far with most people – but it’s no guarantee. Some will just staunchly say that nothing will change their minds. Others, no matter how polite or diplomatic you are, will claim to be morally offended by a question (“You’re a heretic/bigot/anarchist!”) allowing them to relieve the cognitive dissonance by changing the subject. What do you do when you’re dealing with the most extreme extremists? 6) Serious Beliefs Are About Values And Identity If you thought facts were useless before, they’re doubly useless here. The most stubbornly held beliefs often have nothing to do with the truth. They don’t even know which subway stop the truth is on. They’re all about values and identity. And you know what neuroscience research says happens in people’s brains when you challenge their identity beliefs? One interpretation of these activations in the context of our study is that these structures are signaling threats to deeply held beliefs in the same way they might signal threats to physical safety. As far as his brain is concerned, you might as well be brandishing an axe when you question Uncle Fred’s politics at the holiday dinner table. Tread lightly.
If you keep your rapport game strong and have enough patience to fill an Amazon warehouse, it is possible to continue such a conversation. How? With the values version of the Unread Library Effect. People have very strong feelings about moral issues but they’re usually only vaguely aware of the process that got them there. So change the subject from the accuracy of their beliefs to how they know their beliefs are true and how their beliefs contribute to their sense of personal identity. Don’t dispute whether Bigfoot is real; question how they know Bigfoot is real: “These beliefs seem really important to you. What are you basing them on?” Induce doubt by addressing whether their reasoning process is in line with their conclusions: “Would every reasonable person draw the same conclusion?” If they say yes: “I’m a sincere, reasonable person and I’m having trouble drawing the same conclusion. How do I get there?” Use disconfirmation questions related to morality and their vision of a good person: “Would you be a good person if you didn’t hold this belief? Who are some examples of people who don’t hold that belief who are good people?” This is not a killshot. Again, a “Eureka!” moment is unrealistic. You can (nicely) expose contradictions in their reasoning and (diplomatically) loosen the connection between their big picture values (which you may agree with) and their specific beliefs (which you most certainly don’t). But how they reconcile it all is, in the end, up to them. That said, executed properly, this angle will get you a lot farther than endless shouting and the declaration of blood feuds. You may notice a shift in their perspective over time. And if you provoke curiosity on their part about alternate perspectives, that’s a very good sign… (To learn an FBI behavior expert’s tips for getting people to like you, click here.) Okay, time to round it all up — and learn the final thing you should definitely do when nothing else works… Sum Up This is how to change people’s minds:
If absolutely nothing else works, they might just be a totally unreachable zealot. Or it could be that… You’re the zealot. And if you are unwilling to give any serious consideration to this possibility, that’s a big red flag. Nobody thinks they’re the problem – and that’s the problem. After all, you’re the one reading articles about how to change people’s minds, aren’t you? (Yes, I plead guilty to being an accomplice.) It’s just a possibility to consider, but if you’re serious about having fewer arguments to the death, it’s a good idea to make sure you’re really a victim and not Patient Zero. So what do you do if you think you might be Typhoid Mary? Consider the beliefs you usually argue about. Now ask yourself disconfirmation questions. Write down the answers. Show them to a friend who has a different perspective than you on the topic. Does your pal feel those responses pass the implausibility sniff test? If you have zero friends with different perspectives, um, that’s not a good sign. And if you tend to consider anyone with opposite views to be a morally repugnant subhuman pig-man, well, I think you have the answer as to whether you’re an ideologue. Changing other people’s minds is extremely hard; changing your own can be even harder. But if you’re up the task, it’s far, far more rewarding. On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m a 10 on that one. By Eric Baker. This article first appeared on Barking Up The Wrong Tree. |
Written, Compiled & Edited byThe Bergen Review Media Team Archives
August 2024
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